Elevate your Self-Esteem -15 steps to Freedom
Low Self-Esteem is like a demon that sits on our shoulder and constantly nags at us about our failures, appearance, short-comings and real or imagined mistakes. It creates a prison that is hard to escape from, for one simple reason: it is mainly sustained and nurtured by ourselves.
Whatever challenges we may face, we have to be certain that someone else has had it even worse, and yet gone on to triumph.
If so, what may prevent us from rising up to the occasion and creating the leverage to succeed?
The answer must inevitably be – ourselves.
WE are the primary force shaping our life. If others faced similar external challenges and triumphed, then it is not what happens to us which determines the outcome of our life but the way that we are filtering it in our mind.
Many people who suffer from low self-esteem attribute their life challenges to external circumstance. They blame their lack of self-value on their colleagues at work, their school experience when they were young, their parents, their boss and the world in general. It does not even occur to them to relate their problems to how they regard themselves at the deepest level - to the way that they filter what happens and the meaning they give to each event.
To be fair life can seem to be a bitch at times.
I know of children who were traumatized or ridiculed by their friends or even adults when they were young and who still carry the scars of this abuse throughout their life. It’s never easy to move away from such experiences and there is no instant solution to build self-esteem. Most of the time it requires hard work and difficult transitions.
So how would you know that you are suffering from low self-esteem?
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Some signs of Low Self-Esteem
- Trapped with worries of the past or future: If you are constantly, regretting the past and blaming yourself or worrying about the future in an irrational way, you are not living in and enjoying your present moment. You may feel you do not deserve happiness in the present moment and may have guilt feelings about the past, at times blaming yourself for what happened.
- Putting yourself down or undermining your Success: Do you constantly find yourself putting down any good attributes that you have? Do you run self-sabotaging thoughts in your mind, like “I don’t deserve…” or “I’ll never be able to …”. Pay attention to your self-talk. If you are living in a constant flow of negative thoughts this will hurt you big on the long run if you do not address it . You may also find yourself sliding back in your work/study and this will further reinforce the feelings you might have that ‘I am a failure’.
- Finding it difficult to communicate or be intimate
You may find it difficult to connect and communicate with others on a deep level. You may feel afraid to risk opening up to others or else you may be constantly giving a picture of yourself as a negative person. You may feel you do not deserve to be loved and that you will never find anyone to love you. Of course, if you are spreading all this negativity around, chances are that is exactly what you will attract towards you. Your friends may get tired of constantly hearing negative words from you and they might decide to move away, further justifying your belief that you do not deserve to be loved.
- Developing Addictions
Addictions of any kind-be it food, sex, drugs, alcohol, spending money or else outbursts of emotions like anger especially with family members-are usually signals to address low self-esteem issues. When you have addictive behavior, you are just trying to feel better because nothing in your normal life is giving you that satisfaction. So for a few brief moments, you try to feel better though an addictive behaviour. Instead, of staying with your uncomfortable feelings and changing your life, addictive behaviors makes you bypass this growth process and remain stuck in the same situation.
If you find yourself living these symptoms than you need to address the issue of low self-esteem. If you let low self-esteem creep in without addressing it you may find that over time it will take control over you and you will never achieve the Life Success and happiness that you desire.
One important fact to start off with when trying to address low Self-Esteem is to start with the important quote by Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
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15 Steps to work on your Self-Esteem
Building high self-esteem is a process, not something you can develop overnight. Yet, I believe that if you are committed to the process you have the capacity to slowly start harnessing a high self-esteem. Here
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Step One
Commit yourself completely
The first step is to really commit yourself to tackle the issue of Self-esteem. Your first task is to build the conviction that you CAN beat low self-esteem and that you WILL commit yourself fully to do so. Share this commitment with others and tell them specifically what behavior they should expect from you. E.g. you will reduce negative self-talk about yourself.
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Step Two
Stop putting yourself down.
You can’t develop high self-esteem if you repeat negative phrases about yourself and your abilities. Whether speaking about your appearances, your career, your relationships, your financial situation, or any other aspects of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments. Start noticing what kind of chatter your mind ‘Golum’ (that ugly creature that lurks in the dark to create trouble for you) is telling you. Refuse to accept this negative self-talk anymore. Just imagine the words that ‘Golum’ tells you written on a white board- visualize getting an eraser and remove them from the white board every time that these thoughts come to your mind.
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Step Three
Forgive yourself for the past
The past is the past… STOP dwelling on it. Just learn what lessons there were to learn and do not blame yourself for things that you had no control over. Just imagine you are going for a visit in the past and watch the ‘child you’ living the experiences that might have been painful….be detached and watch as an observer and then at the end give some love to that young child and reassure that there is no blame and no guilt to carry around. Give a chance to that child to heal and forgive any mistakes.
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Step Four
Make a list of your positive qualities.
Are you Unselfish? Honest? Helpful? Thoughtful? Be generous with yourself and write down at least 10 positive qualities. Once you write them down put them on your bedside table and read them each morning you wake up at least for a few weeks. Feel the qualities wake up within you as you read them and take them to work/school or wherever you will be spending your day.-
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Step Five
Make a list of your past successes.
Sit down and reflect on all the achievements you did over the past few years – and write them down. This doesn’t necessarily have to consist of incredible accomplishments. It can include your “minor victories,” like learning to drive a car, graduating from school, receiving an award or promotion, learning a musical instrument, etc. Read this list often. While reviewing it, close your eyes and visualize yourself living that moment……recreate the feelings of satisfaction and joy you experienced when you first attained each success and then bring the feelings back to you to your present state. Just stay with these feelings and imagine that they are like a ‘confidence energy dress’ that you are wearing. Imagine the positive energy that is blue in color as it surrounds and pulsates warmly around your whole body. Then after a while of enjoying this sensation, take off this dress and stash it away somewhere in your mind where you can find it. Whenever you feel you need a dose of confidence e.g. before doing a challenging task or if you are getting caught up in self-bashing thoughts, just go back to the recesses in your mind where you stashed away the ‘confidence energy dress’ and put it on…. feel all the good feelings again and let the energy from the dress rub off deep within you. slowly start taking control and achieve small regular victories that prop up your self-esteem.
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Step Six
Stop comparing yourself with other people.
There will always be some people who have more than you but there are also others who have less- even if you may be choosing to look at the ‘half empty glass’. If you play the comparison game, you’ll end up focusing on what you do not have control over rather than what you can actually change. Dissassociate yourself from people who cause you pain because you might be comparing yourself negatively against them. Instead look at situations in your life where you can take control. Put your full focus on that.
Just imagine you are an injured athlete - a great athlete with the potential to compete. An athelete who has sustained an injury will not put # focus on what the other athletes are doing and the victories they may be achieving. He or she will focus on GETTING BETTER or rather BECOMING THE BEST that is possible. The focus will be totally on the small victories that the athlete is creating everyday… small increase in distances, more stamina, more power… until the healing is complete and he is back with big shots. That’s how focused you have to be on healing your self-esteem through small consistent steps.
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Step Seven
Use affirmotions to enhance your self-esteem.
Create empowering statements that help to align your mind towards positive thoughts e.g.
“I like myself”
“I am a positive person and I create a positive life”
‘I am a confident person. I feel good about myself!’
“I am a wonderful person of immense value who deserves to be loved”
I call these affirmotions rather than affirmations because it’s good to load your statemnets withemotional and physical (motion) intensity. Repeat such statement several times during the day, especially at night before going to bed and after getting up in the morning. Whenever you say the affirmation, allow yourself to experience positive feelings about your statement (emotions) and also fist your hands as you say it or make a solid movement of determination with your body. This will help you to integrate your feelings (emotion) with physical movement (motion) so that together with the power statements you create an affirmotion- and BELIEVE that the statement IS HAPPENING AS YOU SPEAK. The principle behind affirmotions is that the brain cannot entertain two contradictory statements at the same time ie. positive affirmotions and negative self-talk. Eventually one of the two contradictory must win out and cause the other to collapse completely. The belief that finally wins out is the one that you invest your time and energy in.
Use your body to energize your movements, walk straight with a crisp gait and move your arms with passion when you walk and talk.
with the most emotional energy and constancy of thought.
Step Eight
Do a Self-help Program, workshops, or read books that boost you.
Whatever material you sustain your mind with will dominate and eventually take root to affect your behavior. If you watch negative television programs or read newspaper reports that sell on bad news; you will grow cynical and pessimistic. On the other hand if you read books or listen to programs, that are positive in nature, books on personal development or biographies of people that inspire you, it will be eaiser to choose to be influenced by these positive characteristics. Try to raise your Personal Standards constantly in this aspect. Make a date with self-help material on a regular basis and keep yourself constantly nourished with positive literature or attendance to empowering Seminars.
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Step Nine
Associate with positive, supportive people.
When you are surrounded by negative ‘wet blanket’ people who constantly put you and your ideas down, your self-esteem is lowered. Such people will keep telling you why the world is bad and how natural it is for you to feel bad too! Detach from such selfish and hurtful people. On the other hand, when you are accepted and encouraged, you will feel better about yourself in the best possible environment to raise your self-esteem. So make a CONSICIOUS CHOICE of the people who you choose to be with.
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Step Ten
Accept all compliments with “thank you.”
Ever received a compliment and replied,” Oh, it was nothing.” When you reject a compliment, the message you give yourself is that you are not worthy of praise. Respond to all compliments with a simple Thank You’ and appreciate that – YES you deserve it!
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Step Eleven
Get involved in work and activities you love.
It’s hard to feel good about yourself if you spend your time doing activities or work that you despise. Find something that really inspires you and that helps you to build your confidence. Some activity that flows naturally from your Inner self and which has always been true to you – an activity that always attracted you since you were young. You might want to take up cooking lessons, learn a musical instrument or take an art class. Self-esteem flourishes when you are engaged in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable. Even if you can’t explore alternative career options at the present time, you can still devote leisure time to hobbies and activities, which you find stimulating and enjoyable.
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Step Twelve
Start giving more.
I’m not talking about giving money for charities or such causes.
Rather, I am referring about giving more of yourself to those around you. The more you give the more you will receive because through each act of contribution you will understand that you are making a difference in other people’s lives. By making a positive contribution you will begin to feel more valuable, which, in turn, lifts your spirits and raises your own self-esteem.
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Step Thirteen
Be true to yourself.
Live your own life – not the life others have decided is best for you. You’ll never gain your own respect and feel good about yourself if you aren’t leading the life you want to lead. Learn to be ‘selfish’ occasionally in the sense that you make your needs felt to others and do not feel guilty that your needs are met. If you base your decisions on gaining approval from friends and relatives, you aren’t being true to yourself and your self-esteem is lowered. It’s important to start exploring what your True Core Values are and who you would like to be as a person. Believe that you have a specific Life Mission that is unique, and that Providence will provide you with the tools to achieve it when the time is right.
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Step Fourteen
Take action!
You won’t develop high self-esteem if you walk away from challenges and refrain from being an active participant of life. When you take action – regardless of the ensuing result – you feel better about yourself. The fact that you have taken a conscious decision to take an action will help you to feel more empowered. When you fail to move forward because of fear and anxiety, you’ll be frustrated and unhappy – and you will undoubtedly deal a damaging blow to your self-esteem.
So even if you cannot see the whole staircase, at least take the first step.
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Step Fifteen
Learn to relax
When you get the urge to think negative thoughts especially about any past experience pull yourself back into the present by deepening your breathing. When you focus on your breathing, you cannot loose yourself in the past or future. The awareness of the breathing will keep you focused on the present – the place where you should be.
Start taking these 15 Steps regularly and if you truly commit yourself you will slowly start seeing results. Do not expect to raise your self-esteem overnight – the key is consistency.
By taking consistent small actions everyday you will build up your self-esteem and there will come a day when you will feel that you can fly with the eagles!
